We all have insecurities. We all have something that we think isn’t up to par about ourselves. This is normal and might even be considered healthy. After all, if we thought we were perfect in every way, what kind of person might we be then?
Insecurity can be detrimental to a healthy, loving relationship when it’s expressed in the wrong ways. Most people on the planet have feelings of insecurity and inadequacy about some aspect of their lives, but they often don’t allow it to destroy associations or relationships. They can control it and realize that it’s their problem and not someone else’s.
However, some people worry excessively about these things and can put strain on even the best of partnerships.
Insecurities about not being pretty enough or thin enough or good enough for your partner can manifest to your partner in many ways. They might think you’re always begging for a compliment, wanting them to reassure you constantly that they think you are pretty or thin or perfect the way you are. Some people consider this a sign of neediness, which can often push them away.
On the other hand, instead of making you look needy or like you’re looking for reassurance, it can also simply make you more unattractive to your partner. When you continue to complain about your too-fat thighs or the chin hairs that won’t stop growing, those physical qualities may not bother them but your constant degradation of yourself will make you less attractive. And once they lose attraction, it’s only a matter of time before they walk away.
Another damaging aspect of insecurity is believing that your partner must be up to no good when they’re not spending time with you. Your mind paints vivid images about them seeing other people the moment you’re out of their sight because somewhere in there you don’t feel as though you’re good enough for them.
When you confront them about these imagined insecurities, they’re shocked and offended because they thought things were going so well. All they hear is that you’re questioning who they were with, what they were doing and demanding explanations for things that they haven’t done wrong.
This form of insecurity can drive even the strongest relationships apart.
Mending the Rift
Most likely your partner was attracted to you because you seemed like a fun, happy, independent person. When you begin to change and try to cling to them to make sure they’re not going to leave you, this can often make them feel differently about you. Suddenly, you’re not that fun, happy independent person they thought they were falling in love with. They’ll begin to question the whole relationship.
The number one biggest thing you can do to fix a rift caused by insecurity is to spend some time building your self-esteem on your own. It’s not your partner’s job to make you feel good about the way you look or act or dress. It’s not your partner’s job to make you feel happy. Those are your responsibilities alone and only you have the right tools to give yourself permission to be happy with who you are.
And if your insecurities are about your partner or the relationship as a whole? You still may need to work on your self-esteem, as it is often the root cause of these types of insecurities. You might also need to work on letting go of the baggage from past relationships if you are insecure because of the behavior of past partners.
Your partner chose to be with you because he or she was attracted to you and your personality. When you begin to change and your insecurities come out in destructive ways, you become a different person than the one they fell in love with.
Wendy Miller is a Single Mom Coach & meditation teacher. She helps moms use mindfulness and meditation to create the life they really want. She lives in Florida with her two sons, where she homeschools while solo parenting, while surrounded by what feels like a zooful of animals.
You can follow her on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. You can also sign up for her newsletter where she offers more insights, tips, tricks, advice, and information to help single moms find purpose, creativity, passion, and peace.
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